My baby is not a football. How do I get my family to stop passing him around like one? (Surprise, it's boundaries)

Ahhh, starting the new year brings a sense of closure on the past, and anticipation of new beginnings- and potentially a resolution for setting boundaries with family.

Perhaps you welcomed a little one into this world in 2023 and found yourself with a mix of emotions while spending time with your loved ones over the holidays.

You might still be physically recovering from delivery. You may be in sleep deprivation mode and are just trying to get to February. Perhaps you begrudgingly went to visit your in-laws over the holidays and still have a pit in your stomach about how it went.

Our society focuses so much on the 'joy of the newborn' that the needs and wants of the mother who birthed said child are quickly forgotten or discarded.

Mothers and partners: it would be amazing if family just read our minds and knew what we were thinking and feeling...but sadly, it doesn't work that way. We have to find the words to assert our boundaries- and maintain them.

Here is an example of how to assert yourself when you just want your child back.

Sounds simple, yes? Perhaps for some! For others, keep reading :)

Okay, football season is over.

Your baby is starting to get fussy and while your loved ones all believe they will be the baby whisperer and get him settled down, you just want your little one back.

Your aunt is trying (with good intention) to settle him down. You feel a pit in your stomach and know that you've reached your limit; you feel a sense of anxiety in having to speak up.

You say, "I'd really like him back now, thanks for your help." Nice work- kind and direct.

But your aunt is persistent, and perhaps genuinely believes she's doing you a favor.

She declines, and says, "no, I got him, go lay down or kick your feet up."

The pit in your stomach is upside down now; doesn't she know how hard this is for you?!

You say, "no really, I'd like him back now. Thanks."

Your aunt gives you a look; she's not ready to be done using her magical powers of soothing (that aren't working). She even holds him a little closer and starts walking away (?!?)

She says, "it's fine, go lay down."

Ah, someone who isn't listening to your words. Your dreaded nightmare. You hate conflict. You actively avoid it most of the time. And all your in-laws are looking at you now too. 

But, you remember the work you are doing in therapy and the importance of asserting your boundaries and using your voice. You use positive self-talk and tell yourself you can do this.

You address your aunt clearly and directly.

You assertively (not aggressively or passively) say, "Aunt Marigold, I've asked for my baby back. I feel frustrated you are not listening. I actually feel more support when you do listen to me. I'm done having you hold him now and I'd appreciate you respecting what I ask for moving forward."

Gold star!!

Let's Review What this Does

You've addressed the issue directly.

I've asked for my baby back.

You've shared how her current behavior is making you feel.

I feel frustrated you are not listening.

You've expressed what behavior you'd like instead.

I actually feel more support when you do listen to me. I'm done having you hold him now.

And bonus: you've also addressed an issue with the potential to continue, if not addressed. I'd appreciate you respecting what I ask for moving forward.

Other examples of asserting your boundaries in this situation:

"Aunt Marigold, you may be trying to be helpful, and I appreciate it, but it's more helpful to follow my lead when it comes to (Your Baby's Name)."

"Aunt Marigold, I'm done having someone else hold him now."

"Aunt Marigold, no."

Remember, your boundaries don't need an explanation to be valid- but they DO need to be expressed and maintained (by you) if you want any chance of them being followed.

Brené Brown says, "to be clear is kind, and to be unclear is unkind."

Don't forget to be kind to yourself. :)

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About the Author:

Olivia is a board-certified Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and is Perinatal Mental Health Certified through Postpartum Support International. She has a huge passion for maternal mental health. She has experience working as a mother infant nurse and providing psychiatric treatment to those in all stages of the perinatal journey. Olivia believes every mother should be educated on how to care for their mental health before, during and after pregnancy. She believes "Mommy's Mental Health" is a movement; one that calls attention to the physical and emotional struggles mothers go through and one that opens the door to conversations with families and friends.