The Beauty Behind the Boundary: Why Your Therapist Isn’t (And Shouldn’t Be) Your Friend.

Olivia Bonanno
Nov 7, 2024
3 min read

Within the mix of emotions related to post-election results, there was a wave of loss I experienced: the loss of my medical massage therapist, “Jay”.

I started seeing her about 2-3 years ago, every 6-8 weeks for 60-90 minute sessions. She taught me so much about my body- how to prevent injury, how to heal and recover faster. She treated me with respect and care; I felt physically and emotionally safe to show up, lay under a sheet, laugh together and then cry when she “hurt me good” while chasing out knots of stress in my shoulders.

We talked about her life and mine. We shared fun stories. I saw her through two pregnancies and eventually, had my last session as her family planned to move out of state.

For several weeks prior, knowing my last appointment approached, I thought about how I could ask to stay in touch. We had so much fun in our sessions- surely we would keep in touch? My emotions wrestled with logic, knowing I also came to her for a service, paid her, tipped her, scheduled my appointments for a set amount of time… even as a medical professional myself, knowing the limits of our professional and personal ethics… my heart was about to be broken. And the reality was that I was going to miss her, whether we agreed to exchange numbers or not.

Ultimately, while I tearfully said she was welcome to reach out, we both knew this was a normal and healthy part of the process working together. It had to end.

I respect her, her profession and any possible related boundaries too much to force all my social media handles and cell phone number on her- I valued our time together too much to ever make her feel pressured, guilty, “icky”.

So, we said goodbye. We cried, we hugged. And I was sad that I initially felt like I lost a friend- but in reality, I didn’t lose a friend. Your providers are not friends; they are something more special than that.

They are your caretaker, nurturer, healer. They teach, coach and guide. They show up fully, just for you, with no expectations in return. They provide a service, instill hope for recovery, and ideally leave you feeling more empowered and taken care of by the time your journey ends together. And it will end.

The roles in a provider-patient relationship are never equal, nor should they be. Having these boundaries in place keeps expectations clear, goals aligned and mutual respect intact. This applies to any and all provider-patient relationships.

I share this story vulnerably to say, even as a mental health provider, I know what it’s like on both sides of the room. The time shared in a therapeutic relationship is special. It’s intimate. It’s vulnerable. It is truly like no other, and it hurts (a lot) when it ends. But it’s not friendship. And valuing the dynamics for what it is- a service full of care and support- can leave us in a place to cherish the uniqueness and beauty within it, for the time that we get to share it.

So to all the Jay-like providers out there, thank you for creating safe spaces for people to heal, grow, and progress. Thank you for holding space and holding strong. To all the clients willing to share those spaces with me, thank you for trusting me to provide that service to you too.

For more on boundaries, click here.

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About the Author:

Olivia is a board-certified Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and is Perinatal Mental Health Certified through Postpartum Support International. She owns and provides care at her practice, Protect Your Peace Psychiatry, PLLC in Virginia Beach, VA. She has a huge passion for maternal mental health. She has experience working as a mother infant nurse and providing psychiatric treatment to those in all stages of the perinatal journey. Olivia believes every mother should be educated on how to care for their mental health before, during and after pregnancy. She believes "Mommy's Mental Health" is a movement; one that calls attention to the physical and emotional struggles mothers go through and one that opens the door to conversations with families and friends.

brunette woman with necklace, blog writer, Olivia Bonanno

The Beauty Behind the Boundary: Why Your Therapist Isn’t (And Shouldn’t Be) Your Friend.

We talked about her life and mine. We shared fun stories. I saw her through two pregnancies and eventually, had my last session as her family planned to move out of state.

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