How to Show Up for Someone Grieving

Our society doesn't do a great job at teaching us how to grieve, what is normal to grieve, what to say when someone experiences loss and how to show up for someone else grieving. The more we talk about this, the easier it can be for one another. From personal experience (on both supporting and experiencing loss), I'd like to share a few tips on how to show up for your loved ones going through a difficult time.

two people, one showing up for someone grieving

Here are some ways we can show up for someone grieving.

Deliver groceries or common household items.
- Grief can cloud critical thinking, freeze our minds, take over planning for the future. It can feel like there isn't a future. Who cares about buying toilet paper when you've lost a loved one? So: deliver groceries, drinks, dinners, common household items like tissues, kitchen garbage bags etc- it may seem absurd- but you can save your loved ones multiple trips out of the house by sending things you know they'll use at some point. You can also drop these items off at their house too.
Invite them to share memories with you.
- Loss can be about pets, parents, siblings, children and stillbirths, co-workers, being let go from a job, having to relocate, friends moving away, losing functioning to a medical illness. Invite your loved one to share memories of what it was like "before" or "during" the loss or change. Don't force them and don't take it personally if they don't want to, but let them know the door is always open to listen when they are ready.
Offer to help them with chores.
- Piggybacking off the first suggestion on supporting someone who is grieving, think about offering to help clean their house, mow their lawn, do/fold their laundry- give options. Nothing too small may feel like you are moving mountains for them. Groupons or local business service gift cards (like for carwashes, massages, yard work, house cleaning etc) may also be a great way to do this too.
Buy them (or make) a new comfort item (blanket, pillow, weighted stuffed animal).
- When wanting to help someone grieving, always go back to comfort. Having something tangible, like a special picture frame, 3D crystal photo box, memory jewelry, can be one of the most special gifts. Comfort items like blankets, pillows or (my personal favorite) weighted stuffed animals (I bought my 10lb bear here), can also be an incredible way to give someone something they can hold, bury their face in and cry when needed.

These are just a few ideas on how to show up for someone grieving. The hard (but important) part to remember about grief is that everyone will experience it differently. Some people will want to ignore painful memories by staying busy and seemingly move on immediately. Others may need to talk about memories, talk about the 'time' of loss, deeply delve into what they are feeling... The "5 Stages of Grief" (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) usually aren't linear, and can happen any time.

Knowing this, the best advice I can give is to hold space. Sit in the silence with them. Hold their hand while they cry. Hug them until they are done with the hug. Stay busy with them if they want to stay busy. Practice NOT rushing their feelings. Do NOT tell them "it's in the past, you need to move on." Do NOT invalidate their experience or force them into feeling if they are not ready- this can be especially challenging when you grieve differently than them.

From personal experience, I know I need to talk, to explore, to question, to visit important places and "sit." I usually cry- a lot. It is hard for me when others actually prefer the opposite. I have to actively practice not taking it personally when my journey of grief is not on the same path as theirs. Seek counseling if you are struggling with your own losses so you can continue to identify how to ask others for what you need and continue showing up for them as well.

Grief sucks. Loss is awful. But pockets of comfort and peace can be found when we show acts of kindness to those who need it the most.

Get more grief support ideas here.

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About the Author:

Olivia is a board-certified Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and is Perinatal Mental Health Certified through Postpartum Support International. She has a huge passion for maternal mental health. She has experience working as a mother infant nurse and providing psychiatric treatment to those in all stages of the perinatal journey. Olivia believes every mother should be educated on how to care for their mental health before, during and after pregnancy. She believes "Mommy's Mental Health" is a movement; one that calls attention to the physical and emotional struggles mothers go through and one that opens the door to conversations with families and friends.

brunette woman with necklace, blog writer, Olivia Bonanno

How to Show Up for Someone Grieving

Here are some ways we can show up for someone grieving.

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